Responding may have sparked a heated debate on my friend's turf, with someone who is probably her friend as well, and would have been rude and inappropriate. So I didn't take the bait - but man, it was bugging me. I soon realized, however, that I can completely shred this comment apart here on my own plot of turf, and feel much, much better. I've been provoked, gentle readers, and I'm going for the jugular.
The disclaimer: I aim to criticize the comment and the attitude it represents, not the commenter herself. I don't know her personally and I suspect we have a mutual friend. I don't know this person's life, her politics, or really, anything about her. What I do know, however, is that the attitude that appears to be the subtext of the comment is incredibly classist, sexist, with a river of judgment flowing right through it. Regardless of how it was possibly meant, it spitefully calls into question the relationship that working mothers and fathers have with their children, and I cannot let it go, because as a view popular with some SAHMs, it needs to be challenged.
I am inspired by the way Kate Harding & friends dissect through the disgusting attitudes they retrieve allover the media. I'm following their lead and will quote, comment, quote, comment, and I can only hope to present a shred of the wit and brilliance they do.
And now, the full comment of honor:
"Great posting. I don’t read this things often because of time constraints, however, it is such a shame that women fight about this at all. I have done both in my life as a professional and a mother. For me, staying home with my kids is better because I feel that they are only young once, and I don’t want to miss out on ANYTHING! I think it’s great to have a balance though and I love part-time work! Then we can somehow make it all work. What I think is horrible is women that have babies just because..and then have day care or a nanny raise them. Whatever; to each her own.
Stay at home Moms are incredible and so self-sacrificing. I am surely on the other side of your comments; Much rather be with my kids than not. Good for you for standing by your convictions"
"I don’t read this things often because of time
constraints, however, it is such a shame that women fight about this at all."
It is a shame, indeed. What's also interesting, however, is the rest of the post is literally picking that very fight...even a bit of a sucker punch, really. Let's read on:
"I have done both in my life as a professional and a mother."
This is just grammatically confusing, but I think the message is one of two possibilities: a) she was a professional and a mother, but not at the same time, or b) she has been a working mother and a stay at home mother. It would be nice to know which one is correct because the latter might give her position slightly more weight. Slightly.
For me, staying home with my kids is better because I feel
that they are only young once, and I don’t want to miss out on ANYTHING! I think it’s great to have a balance though and I
love part-time work!"
Um, I hate to get all 'logical' here, but if part-time work is involved, then something will undoubtedly go unseen and unappreciated by mom -but really, that is not my biggest gripe here. If you are unsure as to what it might be, I'll just lift it out for emphasis:
"...they are only young once, and I don't want to miss
out on ANYTHING!"
Whoa, wait - what did you just say?? They're only young once?! Oh, crap! I must have forgotten to note that in my planner, because I'm such a busy career woman. Aw, shucks. Well, actually, I kinda do want to miss out on most stuff because my kids are just a nuisance to me and make me late for work, and clearly, I need my salary to buy more diamonds.
Yes, that's right. Working mothers (and fathers as well) all sign up for work over their kids because they don't realize and/or care that the kids grow up, and they don't care much about missing shit. We're a heartless, greedy bunch.
But wait! If SAHMs don't want to miss ANYTHING, they must be planning to home school as well, because (and here's all that damn LOGIC again) that's the only way you can almost not miss ANYTHING before they grow up. Or am I not aware of the magical age when it's suddenly ok to have someone be involved in raising your kid? Maybe it's not the magical age, but the magical number...public school is free. Hmm.
But, let's move on:
"What I think is horrible is women that have babies
just because..and then have day care or a nanny raise them. Whatever; to each her own."
I had a baby just because: a) I wanted to and b) my husband wanted to and c) we were ready to love a child, and of course, lest I forget, d) we wanted to make sure the daycare industry didn't crumble. Dammit! Got me again! I only wanted to have babies Just Because, and figured I'd have someone else raise them so I can
"Stay at home Moms are incredible and so self-sacrificing. I am surely on the other side of your comments; Much rather be with my kids than not"
Sheesh, I'm glad somebody out there is self-sacrificing, cause we sure the hell are too busy writing checks to daycare and hobnobbing in our glamorous professional circles to even think about how to creatively increase our kid's protein intake and support his amazing verbal and emotional skills, all while working full time and getting dinner on the table by 6pm and playing, talking, and reading with him every single night and listening for the dryer buzzer to go off so we can get tomorrow's clothes folded before we have to leave for work before 7am so we can save for college start looking into buying loose emeralds as well.
I mean, the truth is, we'd definitely rather not be with our son...then we'd be much more productive, all around.
~
OK, no more sarcasm. Or was that not enough? I want to share my story. You may (or may not) remember that I hit a point during Sam's infancy where I thought I wanted to be a SAHM. I had a hell of a time with PPD and nursing, never slept, and the idea of working ever again seemed like a joke. Nevertheless, I had been incredibly fortunate to arrange a maternity leave that was nearly triple the average, and later arranged to be half-time for another year. Again, fortunate that we have good, steady jobs with good benefits and some flexibility, and fortunate that we even could swing things with only half my salary coming in.
Our situation was nothing like the reality out there for working parents. And, because I'm not (strive not to be - it's lifelong work) classist, I realize this, and think about it. A lot.
While I don't have regrets, and still feel that the extra time was beneficial in every way to my son, shit got tight. We were stretched thin, even with my husband having a second job at the time, and by the year's end, it was becoming stressful, and that's not good for anyone. Besides that, I admit that some days with my son were more stressful than any job I'd ever had. Of course we were active, and I did all the developmental things, and we had a great time, of course we did, but at the end of the day, I just wanted to hand him over to my husband, for at least a couple of hours.
Luckily, I was able to go back full-time (or is it luck? You see, I have most of the big class privileges working for me - I'm well educated, white, married, able bodied, over 30 but under 50, and considered moderately attractive - I win. It sucks. But, it's how it is.) I did have fears about going back full time: would my son's development regress? would our relationship weaken? would he not feel as loved and nurtured by me?
It has been nearly a year since I've been back full time, and none of my fears have come true. In fact, my son is just flourishing at pre-school, and our time together at home, in the evenings is totally focused on him. We're all happier and less stressed, and I feel like I have more capacity for love and nurturing than I had when we were home.
If you want to be home with your kids and you're PRIVILEGED enough to be able to do what you want for yourself and your kids, then that's wonderful. Understand, appreciate, and don't underestimate your privilege.
If you want to work 'just because' you want to, but you don't need to, then the world should know that you adore, sacrifice for, and love your children just as much as any mother or father.
If you want to be home with your kids, but you aren't privileged enough to do so, then the world should know that you adore, sacrifice for, and love your children just as much as any mother or father.
If you need to work to support your family, and you want to work as well, then the world should know that you adore, sacrifice for, and love your children just as much as any mother or father.
Surely, there are exceptions, and the world can undoubtedly be an evil place, but speaking from my experience, my knowledge base, and my ever-expanding heart, working mothers and fathers are overwhelmingly self-sacrificing, would rather be with their children and they don't want to miss anything. We all make it work.
Suck it.
