My Interview with Sarah Palin

CL: Do you believe global warning is man-made?


SP: No, definitely not. It’s made by witches.


CL: Witches? You mean like Witchcraft?


SP: Look, I’m not here to answer your questions or argue about causes and science. I just want to talk to the American people. There are witches out there, folks, and I’m going to Washington to make sure they don’t cause more damage. Witches hate us for our freedom.


CL: Speaking of freedom, what is a Supreme Court decision you support, and what would be one you would like to reverse?


SP: I like all of them, really. I mean, you know. They are supreme and all.


CL: Can you be more specific?


SP: Look, it’s not like any of those old judges are mavericks. The one true maverick is in the senate. His name is John McCain and he needs to be in the White House.


CL: OK. Governor, since your interview with Katie Couric, can you now name any Supreme Court Cases and talk about them?


SP: Uh-oh. I believe one of my children just fell down an ice hole. You know that mom’s intuition! I’ll be back in a jiff!


Later that day…


CL: I'm glad to hear everything is OK. Oh, hi there, Pied Piper. Welcome. So, let’s change gears here, Governor. How would a McCain-Palin administration work for the people and help the middle class in these tough economic times?


SP: I would do everything John McCain says.


CL: Oh. OK. Well, what do you think he would say about these issues?


SP: Well, it’s really about hunting and small businesses. Like the business I ran in Wasilla, where I was the executive that signed things. More small businesses should hunt for moose and wolves, and that would create jobs because we would need more people to, you know, cut up the meat and stuff. Also taxes and being budget-nucular. An jobs, too. It’s about economics and you know, financial things. Barack Obama wants to kill jobs.


CL: Right. Um. Sheesh, ok. So what about health care?


SP: There’s no evidence to suggest that eating moose stew raises cholesterol.


CL: No, I meant the health care crisis. There’s over 40 million uninsured American citizens, including families with children. Most are hard working and simply can’t afford good insurance. What should the government do?


SP: The government should get out of their way, but stand on their side.


CL: Is there more to that?


SP: Um. Gulp. Yes. We will tax their income more and give it to the insurance industry so that big insurance companies can offer them fancier packages. This is budget-neutral for the government, but not for the people, cause remember, we have to get out of the way. Then the people can decide among endless confusing plans. And we’ll stand by their side and watch them.


CL: Critics say that actually would make it more difficult and less affordable to get insurance, and millions of people will lose the plans they have now.


SP: Hmm. Well, you know those critics. They just wanna say Gotcha! Again, if I may speak directly to the American people: I have five children and we soccer and hockey moms know how to protect our children. Go Joe Six Pack!


CL: But what you just said does not address the un-insured.


SP: Again, Cristina, I’m not here to argue nuances. The American people want straight talk, and that’s what John McCain and I will give them. We’ll stop government waste and put government on the side of big- I mean big people! I mean all people!


CL: Ahem. Moving on. What eminent dangers do you think face the US in the next four years?


SP: Well, if we start drilling, we have to be careful of drilling-related accidents. We don’t want Americans getting hurt out there.


CL: Ehr...yes, I mean, of course not. But I was talking about rogue nations, like Iran and Pakistan.


SP: John McCain will go there himself and take everyone out. Even if it takes 100 gazillion years. We’re mavericks like that. The two of us own some impressive assault weapons, let me tell ya!


CL: Oh. OK. What about diplomacy?


SP: Duh. No….gosh. Look, Country First means that the American people don’t want their government to be all talky-talk, reasonable or level headed or make evidence-based decisions! That’s the Democrats’ secret European agenda! Look at them! They want to turn us into French wussies. With their whining about schools and poverty and energy and inflation and being all worried about this great nation. They undermine our greatness. They don’t want to admit America is awesome all the time with everything. We have bigger fish to fry!


CL: So then, where do you stand on--


SP: I have more straight talking to do, Cristina: The American people want their mavericks. We have to win always, no matter what. If we don’t win, then our children won’t learn that winning is the most important thing, always, regardless of the cost.


CL: Wow. Thanks for your time today, Governor.


SP: Can I just say one more thing?


CL: Um. I…well…alright, go ahead.


SP: Give me an M! Give me a little c! Give me a big C! Give me--


CL: That’s enough. We’re done here. Thank you. Audio off, please!