Christmas Returns

Here's what's on my 'do not buy me' list this year (and likely every year). I don't really keep handwritten wish lists, but I think I might start to pen really creepy ones for fun. You know, everyone needs a few yards of barbed wire, a shovel, duct tape (L.L. Bean has it in plaid), and a few cans of Crisco.

This year, in honor of my renewed Christmas spirit, what's better than putting together a snide, snooty and rather mean list?

Please, merciful Santa, I do not want:

1. A Hummer.

2. Anything endorsed by Rachel Ray (aside from Dunkin Donuts coffee).

3. Any painted sign telling me to "Laugh" or "Love" or "Breathe" or "Believe", or any sign pointing out that I'm in the "Bath", that "Angels Gather Here", or that we're a "Family" living in a "Home Sweet Home" that needs to "Simplify" with "Joy". I will beat you with it, then use it as kindling. You heard me Santa. I'll do it.


4. A crystal unicorn.
5. Scrunchies.


6. Scrunch boots.
7. Anything designed by Jeanne Bice or the Quacker Factory.

8. A large, gilded frame, oil portrait of our 43rd President.


9. A Mountain Dew Christmas Tree.

(By the way, do you see my logical progression of thought from 4-9 in this list? Unfortunately it gets more random from this point)

10. Lemon Meringue Pie.

11. A warm, sensible and hideous parka.
12. Margarine.
13. This blanket.
14. Stripper shoes. If you want to bring me shoes, let's talk first.
15. Frumpy shoes. Birks. Birks and socks. I'd rather wear the stripper shoes. Again, let's talk.


16. Decaffeinated coffee, Dunkin or other.