And don't let the door hit you...

There's some foods that I just can't stomach ever, others that I merely tolerate, and still others that will usually go down, and yet forever weave between the Acceptable and Blech lanes of my taste highway (that was an awful metaphor, wasn't it? I'm keeping it).

These foods represent a tiny percentage of my food world, however, because generally speaking, I am not 'picky' or freaky about foods: I seek out new foods, try exotic things whenever I get the chance (sadly it's not often), and I very rarely have ambiguous problems with texture or aroma. I don't mean to imply that I'd like to chomp into a fresh, beating caribou heart, but I think it's exciting to taste some beautiful dish and ingredients you have never tried before. As I've grown up, I've come to appreciate many of the foods that grossed me out as a kid. Given an opportunity, I think I would try culinary school.

Phew, ok, now you know my framework (much of which is also supported by the awareness that unlike a significant segment of the population, we are fortunate to be able to eat a sufficient, wholesome diet and maintain a lifestyle that allows us to be incredibly selective about food). Just wanted to clarify.

So - a week or so ago, I bought some cottage cheese. I was eating it with fruit semi regularly, and got through most of the container. Just tonight I opened the fridge and eyed that container. I really don't like cottage cheese that much. It goes down and I try not to think about it too hard. You see, I was going through a 'guilt phase' about my diet recently, and let's be honest, cottage cheese kinda tops the 'foods-that-are-actually-kinda-nasty-but-women-tolerate-for-the-hope-of-thinner-thighs' list. Right? Right. I hate myself when I realize I've bought into that bull. Again. Seriously, the stuff looks like what I am trying to keep off my body--why am I spooning it? I winged the container into the trash.

That little episode got me thinking about foods that I put up with for no good reason, and the few foods I can't stand. That, in turn, inspired me to list some foods that I wouldn't miss if they ceased to exist, like, at the stroke of midnight, tonight.

I give you the top 10 "Get Out of My Kitchen" items.

1. Lemon Merengue Pie - vile. always.

2. Tripe or "trippa" - Come on already, it's gotta be the longest standing culinary joke since widespread famines ended. It's just uncalled for.

3. Panettone - I have always hated it, though I'm supposed to be genetically predisposed to loving it. I've tried commercial boxed ones, home made ones, and ones straight from Italian bakeries in Italy. I despise it and wish it would just go away. Its cousin Pandoro can stay, but it has to sleep on the floor.

4. Okra - seriously, this is not a vegetable. They are baby alien heads, replete with brain slime.

5. Cottage cheese - see fourth paragraph. There was a time in college when I was sort of into it. Scooped it on my fruit at the dining hall. Then my roommate started eating it, but she would go for the real soupy scoops, and I had to watch her slurp from what looked like a bowl of grapes floating in lumpy milk. Barf.

6. Sweet pickle relish - looks like boogers and tastes like sweet, tangy boogers. Pass.

7. Fertilized chicken eggs - I don't care how illogical my reaction is - if I break open a fertilized egg, I suffer a mild heart attack and then quickly dispose of it. Then I try to not think too hard about eggs and cell division and embryos and the circle of life. Farm-fresh eggs are great, and I like getting them around here, but the chances of getting fertilized ones seems to be much higher. Farmers need to tie their cocks down now and then, or (wait for it...) give them tiny rooster condoms: Cock-Block*, by Trojan.

8. Jello (gelatin) and gelatin based desserts - come on, America! We can do better! It's just embarrassing. If George W. Bush were a dessert, he'd be a big, sparkling bowl of lemon jello.

9. Pistachio ice cream - tastes like a mistake to me...

10. Organ meats, giblets, and all that jazz - anything that can easily be arranged to replicate a page out of Gray's Anatomy is not generally something I wish to consume.

What are some foods you'd like to see vanish?

*Thanks, Tim, for the great name idea.