Suck it, stupid Saturday

Since I went back to work full time last February, my husband's schedule has come to include almost one whole precious week-end day off (he's off Fridays and Saturdays, so we have Friday eve together, but on Saturday, he has to nap after dinner in prep for his overnight shift, which is 11pm Sat-7am Sunday). Combined with the recent addition of a standing a.m. coffee date with my friend Allison, Saturdays have regained some of their long-lost luster. Granted, I still don't like that the Monday-Friday grind means that instead of having the day to ourselves on Saturday, I have to try and administrate the rest of our lives (banking, groceries, and various errands much better suited to weekday mornings), but at least, sometimes, it feels like I get a partial weekend.

Sundays are a bit different - while I do get to spend lots of time with Sam, it rarely includes Tim because he's sleeping. We don't do church, and even if we did, we wouldn't ever make it because Tim needs to sleep, period, and there's no way around that. I wouldn't take Sam on my own because I don't do organized religion unless I have to...I pledged to Tim years ago that if he wanted us to go to a church (one we agreed on)I'd be supportive, but his schedule has always precluded the possibility. I catch up on laundry. I play with Sam and focus on him all morning, and I feel more love, power, grace, and warmth from being with him than I ever have in church or from anything associated with religion. Not even close. Not even the same ballfield.

By early afternoon, however, I start getting anxious about Monday, and by the time Tim wakes up, I'm ready to climb the walls because the truth is, we've done everything there is to do around here at least twice, winter is coming, and I start feeling trapped and isolated. I start to miss my family, resent where we live, blah, blah, blah. That story hasn't really changed very much. This past summer wasn't too bad because I had lots of days off, we spent time outside everyday in the yard, and often, we'd just hop in the car and drive somewhere to go for a walk (lol - drive to walk...you know how I feel about that...it's one of the biggest downsides to living outside of town, but on a busy road). As the weather and the darkness comes though, Sundays just seem to get lost in the shadow of Monday.

This brings me back to today - Saturday. It's Halloween, and Sam was supposed to be a tiger. We planned to take him trick-or-treating locally (remember: drive first, then walk), but last night, around 11, he woke up with a fever, about 101. It took a while for the ibuprofen to kick in, and he was up with me, chatty even, until 2am, when it finally broke. I was exhausted. Tim, who would normally be home on Friday night, had to work overtime and didn't get in until 3am. Sam only slept until about 7am, and by then he was such a little furnace again, he'd heated up the whole bed! He and I got up and had breakfast, and lounged around until Tim woke up at 10:30, when I was finally able to shower and go to the bank, drug store, return an item, get groceries...administrate. In the meantime, Sam improved, but after his nap, the fever was back. At this point, we decided that trick-or-treating was out of the question. We explained it to him, and he didn't complain one bit...the little guy actually seemed relieved!

I made pizza for dinner (I have a new, crisper crust recipe to share), and soon after, Tim went off to nap. I let Sam stay up a little past his bedtime because he's just such a little munchkin and I love to just look at him, constantly. He's been asleep for a bit now, but I'm going to assess his condition around 10, and hope for an uneventful night.

Tomorrow will be a rinse and repeat of the generic Sunday I described - with Sam under the weather, the probability of the two of us getting out is smaller than usual. Maybe we'll build the biggest lego creation yet.

I'm trying to be more emotionally prepared for winter this year, but I'm afraid that my preparation is starting to feel more like very 'conscious dreading', if that makes any sense. The holidays, family and friends, parties and cheer do provide some flashes of light, but after Christmas, the winter just feels like a big, dark, silent, cold ocean that surrounds and tries to swallow me, and I have to tread water until Spring.